Run by A. Horne and Ted House the Hotel Bran UK is unfortunately a shadow of the grand castle it is said to have once been. However, my stay there was a little bit of an adventure.
I was told by an old old friend that I should hurry there to check it out. “It’s one of the finest places I’ve been” he told me “the hospitality is to die for”. I assumed the cackling that followed must have been caused by a memory of something funny that had happened when he went there. As he told me that I wouldn’t have to pay a penny for my stay I decided to rush down post haste. I took along Lieutenant No. 3 for good measure.
My friend was wrong about the hotel being fine – the journey there is an absolute nightmare and the hotel itself is not much better. My journey was not helped by the howling winds I had to endure on steep and winding tracks (anyone who says that the St Jude’s Day storm was ‘no biggie’ clearly wasn’t travelling to Castle Bran UK that day). At least there was a disabled parking space in the car park although from there, there was still another treacherous pathway up to the hotel – losing marks already for accessibility there!
It must be said that the Hotel Bran is an extraordinary building on an astonishing scale. I’ve never been to such an enormous hotel with so many twisting corridors full of wonderful old portraits and vintage furnishings. The castle in which it is found is a Gothic masterpiece. The rooms are full of relics and oddities which are fascinating but the whole place feels a bit like it might be past its best. It’s poorly lit with lots of steps and a feeling or glories past. It was once a luxury hotel but it has seen better days. However, just because of the building it’s in I felt that even if you don’t like it (and you really shouldn’t) you have to admire it.
Accessing the building is very difficult indeed. The only way in is via the main door which seemed to weigh about a tonne and is at the top of a long flight of stairs. If it wasn’t for the long journey and the weather conditions I might have just turned around when I saw the entrance. With the benefit of hindsight, that might have been a good idea but instead Lieutenant No 3 and a member of staff helped to carry me in through the wind, rain, thunder and lightning.
When we arrived at the huge oak doorway, we met Vlad – the ‘hotel manager’. He was a tall, lean and pallid man who I instantly felt I didn’t like. Presumably his all black attire was uniform but he could have washed his hair which was long and greasy. He was attractive but a little bit uptight and cold (figuratively and literally – when we shook hands it was an icy experience).
We asked to see the disabled room I was staying in so that we could take some photos before the light went entirely – Hotel Bran relies on candle light (I’m all for retro touches but that was just silly). Vlad was having none of it and told us we were wrong to think it necessary to see where we would be sleeping. He told us to leave our bags with, Igor, his assistant and to wait in the lobby.
We were having none of that though, so before dinner we went for a little wander around the building. It was absolutely huge and very old but there’s no excuse for their lack of care. Everything was filthy, dusty and dirty. It was a disgrace really. It was freezing too – I don’t know how anyone could cope with such a lack of heating.
One nice touch occurred at dinner though – I thought it was quite nice that the hotel encourages people to have a traditional sit down dinner, with everyone eating together, although it did strike me that the hotel was a little empty considering its size. Vlad told us that the Parsons – the only other people who we had seen arrive – we’re currently having a long, long sleep so it was only he, myself and Lieutenant No. 3 eating that night.
It seemed a little unnecessary for such a small number of us to sit in the vast Great Hall. As architecturally stunning as it was, it was a little bit cold in there and I could barely hear what anyone was saying, as we had to shout across the massive dining table just to be heard. A little bit eerie but at least it was on the ground floor, with lots of space to move, so it was accessible.
To start we had cold soup – just what you need when you’re freezing already! I think it must have been tomato although all Vlad said was that it had been provided by the Parsons. I hadn’t thought to bring anything! If I had done, I hope it would have been better than this soup – it was a bit metallic and tasteless really. Lieutenant No 3 and I said maybe it could do with more garlic; Vlad disagreed.
Between the starter and the main I needed to use the toilet. I asked Vlad where to go and he initially directed me to the Ladies. I told him that this was no use and asked if they had a disabled toilet. After all Victor, my friend who I mentioned earlier, had promised me that the hotel had good disabled facilities.
Vlad seemed a little put off but directed me down a dark corridor. He said that if I went to the library and pulled out the third book from the right, on the middle row, I’d find a disabled toilet behind a secret door. I took him at his word – during our exploration earlier we had found that most of the secret passageways were reasonable accessible. Normally they opened up ramps, slides or rotating doors rather than stairs.
The problem with this one was that, as soon as I opened it, the floor beneath me descended into a giant, sloping, spiralling slide. I was sent tumbling down, wheelchair and all deep into the belly of the castle. About half way down this pitch black helter-skelter I figured out that it probably didn’t lead to a disabled loo.
I won’t go into too many details about what happened at the bottom of that slide. Let’s just say that it lead to a very, very scary experience in the ‘crypt’, that I eventually made good my escape and I am still not a vampire…honest.
Don’t worry about Lieutenant No 3 either – he eventually made it home safely too, although he’s started talking a lot about lunar cycles.
It was not accessible, they didn’t have any disabled facilities and they did try to drink our blood but at least the Hotel Bran was of a style. It might have been a terrifying style but they committed to it and those Gothic arches were beautiful. We give the Hotel Bran 0.5 BBS Ticks.
Happy Halloween!!
